I’m realizing as someone who is neurodivergent that a lot of what I thought was my personality, isn’t. Some of it was forged and created from trauma, but as I went to therapy and healed things with my CPTSD, I noticed that things like the lingering anxiety and depression still existed, but they felt DIFFERENT.

I’m not sure how to explain it, but I’ve been learning more about AuDHD and so much makes sense now. It’s validating to know I’m not broken and my struggles are valid. Like, I can run a business, but forget to pay a bill or struggle to shower.

The tism side of me is the one who is the solitary loving, cabin in the woods girl. I’m sensitive to environment and sensory input is always overstimulation. I need noise cancelling headphones always. I need recovery time after any social time, even if I mask and look like an extrovert and am chatty and expressive. I am exhausted inside.

The ADHD side of me gets really excited sometimes and I will “ferris wheel” nonstop. This girl in me overcommits to want to look normal and burns out extremely quickly.

Both make me feel like I’m simultaneously “too much” and “not enough”.

That was unfiltered thoughts, but to sum it up. I’m researching career opportunities and trying to create better systems/routines for my brain. I used to fight hard to do everything myself, but I’ve been thinking about outsourcing and automating admin/repetitive tasks- I am just not great at them without making mistakes b/c I struggle to focus.

I’m also learning to unmask, even at my old pottery studio. I know people must think I no longer like them, but I think I just no longer pretend I’m someone I’m not to seem more “happy” and “normal”. I like being a dark storm cloud. I like talking to no one and being unhelpful. I like my solo time and silence. I don’t abandon those needs as much anymore. I smile politely and gently let people know “I need to get this done today.”