I’m realizing as someone who is neurodivergent that a lot of what I thought was my personality, isn’t. Some of it was forged and created from trauma, but as I went to therapy and healed things with my CPTSD, I noticed that things like the lingering anxiety and depression still existed, but they felt DIFFERENT.

I’m not sure how to explain it, but I’ve been learning more about AuDHD and so much makes sense now. It’s validating to know I’m not broken and my struggles are valid. Like, I can run a business, but forget to pay a bill or struggle to shower.

The tism side of me is the one who is the solitary loving, cabin in the woods girl. I’m sensitive to environment and sensory input is always overstimulation. I need noise cancelling headphones always. I need recovery time after any social time, even if I mask and look like an extrovert and am chatty and expressive. I am exhausted inside.

The ADHD side of me gets really excited sometimes and I will “ferris wheel” nonstop. This girl in me overcommits to want to look normal and burns out extremely quickly.

Both make me feel like I’m simultaneously “too much” and “not enough”.

That was unfiltered thoughts, but to sum it up. I’m researching career opportunities and trying to create better systems/routines for my brain. I used to fight hard to do everything myself, but I’ve been thinking about outsourcing and automating admin/repetitive tasks- I am just not great at them without making mistakes b/c I struggle to focus.

I’m also learning to unmask, even at my old pottery studio. I know people must think I no longer like them, but I think I just no longer pretend I’m someone I’m not to seem more “happy” and “normal”. I like being a dark storm cloud. I like talking to no one and being unhelpful. I like my solo time and silence. I don’t abandon those needs as much anymore. I smile politely and gently let people know “I need to get this done today.”

2024 vs. 2025

I went on a road trip to Costa Mesa. I did it last year too, but the intention was so different. In 2024, I struggled with the ability to stay. I was constantly on the verge of giving up on myself and my life. I didn’t trust myself to be with myself. That trip was to meet with old friends and new ones who I connected with online during the pandemic through my ceramics.

This year’s trip was different. I didn’t cry at all (almost!). Not that there’s anything wrong with crying though; I find it really cathartic and necessary to process my emotions. This year, I went to decompress from my bat saga in September and then a flea situation with my dog. I just needed something where I did the minimum and not guilt myself.

Spoiler: I did just that. :)

routine

I actually brought a few things to do art wise, but in the end, I watched a show and enjoyed it. If you know me, this is rare. I don’t have the attention span to watch things. I often look up spoilers when I get bored. I’m definitely a big picture person. :P I did get sick of eating out by the 2nd day, and I couldn’t decide what to eat. I went to the apartment gym every day and that was probably my favorite part? I really like the routine of working out. I feel best after working out and I really think of it as a necessary part of my day, just like brushing my teeth, eating, or walking my dog.

reflection

When I was there, I picked up drawing on my iPad again. I haven’t really drawn in a while. I remember the last time I drew on purpose was the day before my breakup. I went to the local coffee shop alone. I was proud of myself in getting work done, as I had been severely depressed and agoraphobic. I remember being met with coldness. And then the next day, everything ended. So, I guess, what I’m saying is that I associated drawing with the memory of those last few days.

This time though, it didn’t feel heavy. I enjoyed drawing without constantly re-living that memory. I think it was that moment I realized I’d processed it enough to move on; that I am actually good good now. I don’t think you ever fully heal from heartbreaks, and you carry them with you as healed (hopefully!) scars, but they do change you. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve shed old versions of me that I didn’t find healthy anymore.

I do like who I’m becoming and I think taking time off to process and reflect are so important. It’s difficult work to face yourself, but I don’t want to be the same person from 5 years ago. I want to constantly be a better version. Maybe the purpose in life is just to be that for myself. I think that’s enough. :)