EMDR: On Complex PTSD and AuDHD Diagnosis

I wrote about AuDHD back in Nov of 2025, when I started going through the diagnosis process. Now with a clinical diagnosis, I’m learning what it means. I’m unlearning my masking to look and act more neurotypical. I’m grieving the life I lived (struggled through) as an undiagnosed neurodivergent girlie.

It’s a lot. I’ve been doing EMDR therapy since March of 2026 and I love my therapist. She specializes in narcissistic abuse, CPTSD, and neurodivergence. I don’t have to explain myself to her because she is like me and understands. Our sessions aren’t full of talking or explaining. It’s a lot of quiet moments, of using art to navigate life, and EMDR speckled in.

EMDR is life changing. I had some extreme issues and vivid memories/somatic trauma and it made my life so much lighter. I am living with my parents in June, in between my time in OC and LA… and I notice I am very different. My mom notices it. My friends do too. I’m more chill. Everyone asked me what’s wrong b/c I’m so quiet.

Nothing.

This is actually more authentically me. Unmasked. I’m quiet. I’m shy. I dislike people and find most people annoying. I like quiet (like days without talking) in Irvine and I was happy like that. I’m unhappy when I have to talk to people. Processing and learning about autism/ADHD is validating- my need for solitude and silent recovery makes sense. I was always told that I was a “party pooper” or “isolating”. I realize I knew even then, that what I needed was space, but I was punished and bullied for asking for it.

So now, I take up that space, unapologetically. I think friends who care to understand, will. My previous therapists always told me connection is key in healing. But my current therapist recognizes that as a fellow AuDHD person, our connection may not be in people; it may be in animals. Like Poe. I am positive that I could live the rest of my life, just with her. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I wake up and she’s the first thing on my mind. I leave the house, and I check the camera and miss her. I go out and hang out with friends, and am happiest when I am driving back to see her.

I think the life I’m creating now has more meaning to me. It’s aligned with who I am, not the multiple personas I created to fit into a neurotypical world. My constant desire to be in a cabin in the woods? Is actually my soul calling to come home to myself and recover. And in the past 8 months since my diagnosis process, I’ve been coming home to myself.

I like who I am becoming, because it is simply returning to who my soul has always known me to be. That feels poignant, but beautiful simultaneously.

IDENTITY

I’m realizing as someone who is neurodivergent that a lot of what I thought was my personality, isn’t. Some of it was forged and created from trauma, but as I went to therapy and healed things with my CPTSD, I noticed that things like the lingering anxiety and depression still existed, but they felt DIFFERENT.

I’m not sure how to explain it, but I’ve been learning more about AuDHD and so much makes sense now. It’s validating to know I’m not broken and my struggles are valid. Like, I can run a business, but forget to pay a bill or struggle to shower.

The tism side of me is the one who is the solitary loving, cabin in the woods girl. I’m sensitive to environment and sensory input is always overstimulation. I need noise cancelling headphones always. I need recovery time after any social time, even if I mask and look like an extrovert and am chatty and expressive. I am exhausted inside.

The ADHD side of me gets really excited sometimes and I will “ferris wheel” nonstop. This girl in me overcommits to want to look normal and burns out extremely quickly.

Both make me feel like I’m simultaneously “too much” and “not enough”.

That was unfiltered thoughts, but to sum it up. I’m researching career opportunities and trying to create better systems/routines for my brain. I used to fight hard to do everything myself, but I’ve been thinking about outsourcing and automating admin/repetitive tasks- I am just not great at them without making mistakes b/c I struggle to focus.

I’m also learning to unmask, even at my old pottery studio. I know people must think I no longer like them, but I think I just no longer pretend I’m someone I’m not to seem more “happy” and “normal”. I like being a dark storm cloud. I like talking to no one and being unhelpful. I like my solo time and silence. I don’t abandon those needs as much anymore. I smile politely and gently let people know “I need to get this done today.”

Roadtrip to SoCal

2024 vs. 2025

I went on a road trip to Costa Mesa. I did it last year too, but the intention was so different. In 2024, I struggled with the ability to stay. I was constantly on the verge of giving up on myself and my life. I didn’t trust myself to be with myself. That trip was to meet with old friends and new ones who I connected with online during the pandemic through my ceramics.

This year’s trip was different. I didn’t cry at all (almost!). Not that there’s anything wrong with crying though; I find it really cathartic and necessary to process my emotions. This year, I went to decompress from my bat saga in September and then a flea situation with my dog. I just needed something where I did the minimum and not guilt myself.

Spoiler: I did just that. :)

routine

I actually brought a few things to do art wise, but in the end, I watched a show and enjoyed it. If you know me, this is rare. I don’t have the attention span to watch things. I often look up spoilers when I get bored. I’m definitely a big picture person. :P I did get sick of eating out by the 2nd day, and I couldn’t decide what to eat. I went to the apartment gym every day and that was probably my favorite part? I really like the routine of working out. I feel best after working out and I really think of it as a necessary part of my day, just like brushing my teeth, eating, or walking my dog.

reflection

When I was there, I picked up drawing on my iPad again. I haven’t really drawn in a while. I remember the last time I drew on purpose was the day before my breakup. I went to the local coffee shop alone. I was proud of myself in getting work done, as I had been severely depressed and agoraphobic. I remember being met with coldness. And then the next day, everything ended. So, I guess, what I’m saying is that I associated drawing with the memory of those last few days.

This time though, it didn’t feel heavy. I enjoyed drawing without constantly re-living that memory. I think it was that moment I realized I’d processed it enough to move on; that I am actually good good now. I don’t think you ever fully heal from heartbreaks, and you carry them with you as healed (hopefully!) scars, but they do change you. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve shed old versions of me that I didn’t find healthy anymore.

I do like who I’m becoming and I think taking time off to process and reflect are so important. It’s difficult work to face yourself, but I don’t want to be the same person from 5 years ago. I want to constantly be a better version. Maybe the purpose in life is just to be that for myself. I think that’s enough. :)