2024 vs. 2025
I went on a road trip to Costa Mesa. I did it last year too, but the intention was so different. In 2024, I struggled with the ability to stay. I was constantly on the verge of giving up on myself and my life. I didn’t trust myself to be with myself. That trip was to meet with old friends and new ones who I connected with online during the pandemic through my ceramics.
This year’s trip was different. I didn’t cry at all (almost!). Not that there’s anything wrong with crying though; I find it really cathartic and necessary to process my emotions. This year, I went to decompress from my bat saga in September and then a flea situation with my dog. I just needed something where I did the minimum and not guilt myself.
Spoiler: I did just that. :)
routine
I actually brought a few things to do art wise, but in the end, I watched a show and enjoyed it. If you know me, this is rare. I don’t have the attention span to watch things. I often look up spoilers when I get bored. I’m definitely a big picture person. :P I did get sick of eating out by the 2nd day, and I couldn’t decide what to eat. I went to the apartment gym every day and that was probably my favorite part? I really like the routine of working out. I feel best after working out and I really think of it as a necessary part of my day, just like brushing my teeth, eating, or walking my dog.
reflection
When I was there, I picked up drawing on my iPad again. I haven’t really drawn in a while. I remember the last time I drew on purpose was the day before my breakup. I went to the local coffee shop alone. I was proud of myself in getting work done, as I had been severely depressed and agoraphobic. I remember being met with coldness. And then the next day, everything ended. So, I guess, what I’m saying is that I associated drawing with the memory of those last few days.
This time though, it didn’t feel heavy. I enjoyed drawing without constantly re-living that memory. I think it was that moment I realized I’d processed it enough to move on; that I am actually good good now. I don’t think you ever fully heal from heartbreaks, and you carry them with you as healed (hopefully!) scars, but they do change you. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve shed old versions of me that I didn’t find healthy anymore.
I do like who I’m becoming and I think taking time off to process and reflect are so important. It’s difficult work to face yourself, but I don’t want to be the same person from 5 years ago. I want to constantly be a better version. Maybe the purpose in life is just to be that for myself. I think that’s enough. :)